People call it all sorts of things: the tipping point, the last straw, the breakthrough. You never have a precise hour or date that it happens, but when it does, it’s magical.
Right now, I’m feeling light and powerful, much like that image to the left. I’m reconnected to the potential. But there’s also anger, a fiery feeling that comes from the strain of having too much too fast. The whole “I’m mad as hell and I’m not gonna take it anymore!”
That’s not quite how the day started.
I dreamed some depressing dream, had a small meditation right after waking up, and then headed downstairs. I got to the kitchen, only to end up in an argument with my Dad over the Chick-A-Fil controversy happening stateside. A stupid shouting match ensued, but we both got over it within fifteen minutes (because my Dad and I are awesome that way) and went on with our days. Still, not the best start, especially during a consolidation break.
Deposited my first ACTRA cheque at the bank, then went to the gym. My mood suddenly dipped again as I worried about acting training classes, applying for new jobs and getting more hours, and how best to promote my novel. Then, on the elliptical, I got really fucking pissed (that’s the best way to describe it) at everyone, at life, and work, the need for money, my choices. Nothing fuels a workout like being angry at everything, let me tell you.
But sometime between the gym, lunch, and coming home, I felt the change. I just had to do something, not just sit here stewing in my own juices.
Last night, after posting my previous entry, I came up with a basic business plan for Convergence. It’s still about 15% incomplete, and to finish it, I need the help of people I know and trust to take it further.
I went to my room and looked at my plan. That’s when I felt the shit feeling coming back, and I had had enough. “Fuck it,” I said aloud to the room, then got to the computer, and started recruiting my army.
No, my plan isn’t quite perfect. There are no guarantees. It doesn’t address short term money issues and frankly will need an initial investment of hundreds. It doesn’t help with acting, at least not that I can see. But something has to happen. Something’s gotta give, and this is it.
This is what the breakthrough looks like when it starts. I’m still climbing out of the last of it, but I wanted to document what it feels and looks like while it’s happening.
I no longer feel as blocked as I was. I’ve started the ball rolling and involved my friends in this plan, meaning I can no longer just dawdle over it, waiting for 100% perfection.
My heart is racing as I look at my board, at the numbers I drew up late last night to see what needs to happen next.
The best part is: this is MY product. People are gonna love it and be changed by it, people will hate it and think it’s a piece of shit, and it doesn’t matter either way, because they will buy it.
My email signature has a quote from Margaret Atwood that, to paraphrase, says that art is entrepreneurial: you make something from nothing, then make a living from it. This must be that precise feeling that I’m experiencing right now.
Getting to work now. Back later if more happens.